"I'm ready for my close up Mr. Demille"

So last week, Tuesday morning I'm reviewing papers from a new class I'm teaching and the phone rings.

It is the producer for Under The Learning Tree. He tells me he is still in Nevada. He tells me I will host the show that evening. To me that is the equivalent of "This is it kid, you’re on!" and my response, "I'm ready for my close up Mr. Demille." I was expecting him to tell me that “so and so” would be hosting or that he had given the learning tree hour to someone else until next week, but not this time.

He gave instructions. I quickly wrote everything down. “Call this one, find out if "so and so" do an interview, see what Cerine has lined up for this week, etc.” It was hard to focus. I had to contain my excitement.

Later that evening I am too nervous about Wednesday's show to sleep. I need a theme. I read articles on line. I'm searching for quotes. I need a playlist. What kind of music can I play for a show about people detained in various situations? I can't screw this up. As far as I'm concerned the whole world will be listening. At 3 am I finally go to sleep. I have dreams of me being late to the studio.

The day begins early, but I need all the hours I can get. I wake up at 6:30 in the morning to get everyone off to school and work. I sit reviewing my new students work for a few hours. There won’t be time later. I hate to disappoint students who've written something that I haven't made any comments on. By mid-afternoon, I'm doing last minute preparations for the show while cooking dinner.

At 6:30 that evening with the assistance of both children, I go to the laundrymat. Even four-year-olds can put clothes in a washer and dryer, and take them out. If this were the old days they would both be working right beside me anyway. At 7 o’clock I leave the older kid to monitor clothes in the dryer, while I take the tot home to have dinner and prepare for bed. My husband arrives home from grocery shopping. He goes to the laundrymat to bring the laundress home. I go to sleep.

I’m up two hours later. I have to finish the creating the playlist. It includes the following: Marvin Gaye's version of "The Star-Spangled Banner", U2's "Pride (In The Name of Love)", Lenny Kravitz "Are You Gonna Go My Way", Celia Cruz's "Guantamera" and Angelic Kidjo's "Worth Fighting For.”

I'd left from home later than I wished. I was on the phone with Kamau. I headed to the A train two blocks from my home instead of the going to the train that would have put me closer to the station. I can’t get the vending machine to give me a metrocard fast enough. It won’t accept my crinkled bills. I miss the downtown train. This puts me in an unnecessary panic. I pace and begin to doubt my abilities. I pace in the station for twenty minutes before the next train arrives. When I get off the train I hurry to the station. I don’t feel any of the cold air blowing in from the river at the end of Wall Street.

I arrive at the station well after 1 o’clock. After 15 minutes I find the engineer. He hadn't been contacted to do the engineering for the show. I stand there silently. “Engineering for someone you haven’t done it with before is like painting a picture for the artist. You don’t know what they want, when they want it.” We get over the awkward moment slowly. “Okay.” He says. “We don’t have much time,” He begins looking for blank disc. He asks me what my topic is. He runs through a checklist: Guest? Phone numbers? “Have you called them?” I pull out my computer to check the CD and he says "Please tell me your music is not on that computer?" “No, it's on disk.” I am proud of my preparation until I realize that I created this disk on the computer at home and not my laptop. The disk is reading "track 1, track 2 etc., I start to listen to each song and write the list for the engineer, trying to decide what song I want in what order. It's 1:50 am. We need to go on the air in 10 minutes. I give the disk to the engineer. “Any particular order you want?” “I don’t want to stress you out Sydney, just play it straight through. It doesn’t really matter what comes when. It is all appropriate.”

I go in and the previous host and I greet each other. I’m so frazzled, I almost don’t want to speak to him. I just want to sit in the chair and get this over with. Suddenly the opportunity of broadcasting live and being in charge doesn’t seem like such a hot idea. The audience for this show is very discerning. Are they going to want to listen to me? Do I really know what I’m talking about? I wonder if I’ve studied the issues enough, prepared appropriate questions, I don’t even really like the sound of my voice, who do I think I am? Wahhhhhhhhhhh! Oh my Gooooooooood!
Who am I kidding?

Sydney starts giving me directions, asking questions: “Do you have your introduction, do you want to come in at the end of this?”

As the opening music plays I realize that it was the theme used by Dr. Carlos E. Russell’s show “Thinking It Through.” I remember the morning I discovered him a year ago. On that night he presented this question, “If radical reconstruction of America is desired, if it could be achieved, is it possible to bring to fruition. . .etc.” We had a 15 to 20 minute conversation. I remember him asking me if I was a “Pollyanna.” It was a term he used when referring to himself and anyone who was an idealist. That conversation made me think seriously about what I was already doing to be a part of the solution. It was that conversation that made me search deeply for what would give meaning and purpose to my life.

Now I’m on the radio. I’m helping to facilitate the conversation of dissent, to listen, to learn, to share and encourage. In this climate of detentions, disappearances, human rights violations, eminent domain and gentrification, the breaking of unions, what I am doing is important. In this time of our government and president “gone wild”, this is important. This is not a time to freak out. This is my time to do my part in the realm of independent media.

The engineer gives the signal. “Good morning. Thank you for tuning in once again to Under The Learning Tree. I am Anna Limontas-Salisbury also known as warrior pen and I’m sitting in for Kamau Khalfani.” And so it went.